My chronic pain life is built and falls around patterns- medication schedule, order I get ready in the morning, to the way I unwind for bed at night. The most tiring is my brain constantly, desperately seeking out a pattern in the chaos of my pain. What did I do yesterday? What didn’t I do? Did I take my pills on time? Am I becoming tolerant of my dosages? Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep? I can’t begin to replicate the the background chatter in my tired brain.
The cruel irony of the situation is I can be the perfect back care practitioner and 100% medication compliant and my pain can still tank. Just because! Compoundingissues, I also have bipolar disorder with OCD features- mostly manifests in obsessive intrusive thinking. The tasks I feel compelled to complete are all acted out in my mind. Having a legit issue to worry about, my OCD is gasoline on a fire. Hell, it pulls out marshmallows for f*ing s’mores…
Presumptuously, I’ll say most chronic pain warriors run on the same thought treadmill. We want to find any control in our own private freefall. When you’re never sure how your body may react it’s hard to feel any autonomy in life. Can I tag along on the family outing or will I have to use my wheelchair? I honestly don’t know.
I want to find the magic ritual. The perfect pattern. Ultimately, the blueprint to wrestle control of my own body back. Until then, my brain will continue its conspiracy theory style paranoid review of my life.