Am I Successful?
*trigger warning: brief self injury comments & suicidal thoughts*
I have no gainful employment. I am not the one who manages our home and daily life. But, today I took a shower. I am successful.
I haven’t driven myself anywhere in 3 weeks. I haven’t left the house except for doctors visits and an odd Starbucks visit. Last night my husband hosted his own 38th birthday party- a no stakes card game. I was able to sit through a game before returning to our bedroom and my heating pad. I am successful.
Thursday, I got very disappointing news about my severe chronic back pain. I’ve developed stabbing pain in my ribs. My nerve pain in my left leg has increased in magnitude that often it’s too weak to bear my weight. That night I channeled an old devil, picked up a blade, and cut into my flesh. I chose to fight for myself. I dropped my blade and called Chris (my husband). I am successful.
Every day I fill my home, my brain, with music that screams out the emotions I don’t possess concepts for. I reach out the friends, “just” social media friends, yet tremendously awesome friends none the less. Being home affords me time with our two dogs- stay at home doggy mommy. When my brain is clear and back fit enough to sit up, I pour into creative writing: journaling my chronic life perspectives, short stories, even the occasional vapid fan fic. Making a sandwich is a cherry on the top.
Friday I didn’t get out of bed. I didn’t eat. I didn’t shower. There was no point. I listened to one album on repeat for about 10 hours. What what’s the point? If my life is to be trapped in the torture device that is my body, if I have no true purpose, what is my purpose? Should I follow the advice from my demons? End my life. Choose my only excape. Release my husband from my demanding care and attention.
Today is Sunday and my husband turned 38 years old. And I am here. I am successful.
*If you or a love one are experiencing a period of time where you feel self harm or taking your life seems your only solution, take a minute to get an annoymous second opinion. I have used their text hotline during times I felt unsafe and they’ve always gotten me through that crisis. More info is available here. Their textline info is here.